


The Way You Said I Love You

by andnowsomeonenew



Series: The Way You Said I Love You [1]
Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, and many others - Freeform, angsty, except for number 8, sorry - Freeform, the rest is fluffier I promise, well the first chapter is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2018-12-20 06:26:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 14,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11915094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andnowsomeonenew/pseuds/andnowsomeonenew
Summary: Different Ways Bernie and Serena said I Love You-a series of oneshots





	1. As A Hello

**Author's Note:**

> The full list of prompts I'm working from is on tumblr but I can find the link. The full list is 35 ways and I've written 12 so far which I'll update as I edit them (or just plain type up because they're in a notebook right now)
> 
>  
> 
> Edit: prompts from here http://trash-by-vouge.tumblr.com/post/132858041745/the-way-you-said-i-love-you so all credit to them. Hit me up if you want to see a particular one.

  
'I love you.' Bernie burst through the doors of her office she was still technically cohabitant of. She was proud of herself-months of pining over her best friend, two very emotion fuelled but nonetheless extremely passionate kisses, one terrified dash to another country and weeks of self imposed torment and she'd finally managed to say the words to Serena.

Serena was stunned- weeks of radio silence from Bernie not answering any of her messages and suddenly the woman was stood before her panting heavily and declaring her love. Clearly Bernie had run a significant way but as she had received no prior warning of her arrival, Serena had no idea just how far that was. Last she'd heard Bernie was living it up in Kyiv and had elected to stay.

'Ms Wolfe. How nice of you to join us- is this a passing visit or can you quell your running tendencies long enough to rejoin us on the ward?'

'Serena?' Bernie couldn't believe what she was seeing- she'd expected Serena to be angry with her, to shout at her or act hurt. What she had not expected was the cool look of indifference Serena had sent her once the shock of her sudden arrival had worn off. At least angry or hurt meant Serena still felt something towards her.

'I hope your secondment went well and you have learned some cutting edge procedures for the unit?'

'Serena I'm so sor-'

'I mean you extended your secondment beyond the conclusion of your initial task so you must have had done a good reason to leave us understaffed b ting the period we'd arranged a locum to cover. In future if you could give the hospital a little more warning it would be appreciated.'

'Ser-'

'So are you able to rejoin us as a permanent member of staff and Wolfe or will I need to advertise for your replacement?

'No!'

'Shame, I'll have to train them up to my standards which will take a significant amount off time out of when I could have been treating patients.'

'I mean don't advertise my job! Please Serena. I'm back for good I promise. God Serena I've misse-'

'Ah. Well in that case you should see Mr Hanssen to inform him and then go to HR to make sure you're still insured to work here. I'd hate to have to deal with a lawsuit this early in the week. Welcome back Ms Wolfe, your skills have been sorely missed.' Serena held out hand to shake, ignoring the panicked alarms in her head reminding her of the last time they had shaken hands and the events that had unfolded mere inches from where they currently stood.

'Uh-I-Ser-Its good to be back.' Bernie tried to prolong the contact of their hands for as long as she could but Serena pulled hers back sharply after the minimum professional amount of time had passed. She tried to quell the rising sadness within her to little avail.

'You'd best be off then. People to see. The quicker you go the quicker you can have your arms elbow deep in blood and guts.' A clear dismissal. Bernie could feel the tears pooling in her eyes and knew Serena could see them too yet the other woman remained stoic.

This was not the way it was supposed to go. She'd royally fucked up. She nodded sharply, calling forth the major within her. She turned and opened the door, made to step out but was stopped by a voice, Serena's voice, more vinerable than a moment ago yet still laced with steel.

'One last thing Ms Wolfe.' Dare she hope?

'Crazy Campbell, pudding and pie. Kissed the girl and made her cry.' The hope shattered as Serena swept past her and out into the ward, leaving behind a broken hearted woman.

Oh.

 


	2. With A Hoarse Voice, Under The Blankets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt is from here   
> http://trash-by-vouge.tumblr.com/post/132858041745/the-way-you-said-i-love-you so all credit to them.
> 
> Hit me up if you want to see a particular one

'I love you.'

'I love you too darling but you are ill and as such you are coming nowhere near me.'

'But-'

'But nothing, Serena Campbell-you stay in bed and sleep this bug off, I'll go to work and pray to god you haven't infected me too. Heaven help the patients if I infect them or the rest of the staff. They'd have to rename AAU Marie Celeste. Plus who would look after Jason and make sure he's in a sterilised environment if we're both hiding under the covers covered in snot?'

'But I want cuddles.' Bernie couldn't help but smile at the petulance of her girlfriend. She, more than anyone else, knew of Serena's childish side, was one of very few people the brunette trusted enough to completely relax in front of. It made Bernie laugh sometimes, to see F1s running terrified from her girlfriend unaware that less than three hours previously the dragon of AAU had instigated a tickle fight to determine who's turn it was to make breakfast. But today, with the added complication of being poorly, Serena's jovial mood had taken a determinedly affectionate turn.

'Cuddle your pillow darling. I'll be back before you know it, especially if you take a nice long nap. Not only will my return seem much faster but your body will have time to fight this. The sooner you fight this the sooner you can have cuddles.'

'Fine. Go. Break my heart.' Serena tried to look stern but was somewhat hindered by the huge sneeze that bellowed forth from her.

'Will do. Bye.'

'I hate you.' She called at Bernie's retreating back.

'No you don't.'


	3. Over A Cup Of Tea

'God I love you Wolfe.'

'Calm down Campbell. It's only a cup of tea, not a proposal of marriage.'

'It's hot, strong, and wet. Exactly what I need after a day like today.'

'Just like me.' Serena laughed as Bernie did a prideful shuffle in her seat.

'Exactly. My very own living cup of tea. But just so you know - if you ever do propose marriage, the answer will be yes. Unless you ever make me a really bad cup of tea and then I'd have to think really hard about it.'

'Well. Now you mention it.' Bernie dropped to one knee before Serena whose eyes tripled in size. 'Seeing as I made such a fantastic cup of tea just now.' She whipped out a small box from her cardigan pocket. She opened it. She received a spitful of hot tea in her face.


	4. Over A Beer Bottle

'I love you.'

'You've mentioned. A lot! Just how many beers have you had darling?'

'Not too many.' Bernie shuffled across the now crowded settee so she could curl up in her girlfriends lap and kiss up and down her neck, making sure to pay close attention to the spot where it met her clavicle, knowing just how sensitive Serena was there. The whimper she produced was almost enough to satisfy Bernies appetite by her inhibitions -few that they were at this point- has disapperead with the mewl. She was vaguely aware of Serena's half hearted embarrassed protestations at the spectacle she was sure they were making, much to their friends and colleagues amusement Serena was sure, but her focus was too tied up in the long expanse before her to fully acknowledge them. Instead of paying heed to the protests, Bernie instead nipped the very spot she'd so recently lavished with kisses. It wasn't as hard a nip as she knew Serena loved in the throws of passion, even three sheets to the wind she knew that would be a step too far. That didn't mean she couldn't replicate it on the other side of Serena's neck, and her clavicle, and the shell of her ear.

'Bernie stop! As much as I'm enjoying this you need to stop before I pin you down and really give this lot a show.'

'Spoilsport.' Bernie flounced off sulking leaving Serena unable to meet the eyes of any of her smirking colleagues. She could murder Bernie if she wasn't just so infuriatingly in love with the damn woman.


	5. With No Space Left Between Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The anniversary snuck up on me and I just got back from holiday and I'm back in work in 9 hours and it's late and I'm tired and I wrote this ion bed so apologies if it doesn't quite do justice to the occasion. *lets out prolonged yawn*

'I love you.' Bernie shuddered as Serena breathy proclamation brushed against her ear, the oh so familiar puff of air sending a shiver down her spine. 'Do you know what today is?'

'Wednesday?' Bernie had only been awake 30 seconds, it was far too early to be answering questions. The fact that she'd woken to find the love of her life laid out on top of her, her hands doing long strokes from Bernies calf up to her shoulder and back down didn't help either. 'The 30th of August? My Aunt Sineads birthday? Shit I forgot to send her a card.'

'And did you remember to post her card last year?'

'No but I did buy one on the day and I was going to take it to her house after work but then Fletch was stabbed and we-oh.'

'There it is.' Serena chuckled at the look of horror that passed over her designs face. Very few people could shake the great Major and she was very proud to be one of them.

'Oh Serena I'm so sorry I forgot. I can't believe I forgot. I'm the worst girlfriend in the world.'

'Don't worry about it darling, I only remembered last week because Fletch posted on Facebook about the anniversary of his stabbing coming up and the fact he was considering throwing a party to celebrate still being alive. In the grand scheme of things we have other anniversaries- if you forget our proper anniversary of when you came back from Kyiv and we broke my personal record for number of shags in one night then I will be mad. As it is I can let this one slide.'

'But it's the most important after that night! It's the anniversary of the greatest moment in my life since Lottie was born. I finally allowed myself to give in and show you how much I loved you even if it meant jeopardising our friendship. I had spent weeks agonising over whether or not it would be selfish of me to finally aidciver if your lips were as soft as they looked, if the figure you hid breath those floaty shirts really was as magnificent as I had imagined in my dreams. Then you were so kind to me and I knew that it was more than just love I held for you, I adored you, would do anything for you. Words alone could not describe the extent to which I loved you. So I kissed you and you kissed me back and I knew I wasn't alone in my feelings. It may have gone a little haywire for a few months after that but I knew you were the one and I was willing to wait and give you space to come to term with your feelings even if I did it in the most cowardly way imaginable.'

'Oh Bernie.'

'A year. A whole year. It seems like only yesterday but at the same time I cannot imagine a time before I loved you. I should have got you a present. Oh Serena I'm sorry. I'll go out right away and buy you something.'

'No need darling. This here is all I could want. You opening up and talking about your feelings is the best present I could have wished for. It's the most precious gift I've ever been given. I adore you too my love. I hope you don't mind but I did get you a gift-it's not much, I know you don't like big flashy things and it's only our secondary first anniversary and I know we're not married yetbut I wanted to mark it some way and paper is the gift for the first year but apparently clocks are the modern alternative so I thought why not combine them both and-' She passed over a neatly wrapped package, sighing in relief as she managed to get out everything she wanted in a vaguely coherent fashion. Bernie grinned and tore the paper off before tearing up at the book that fell into her lap.

'A first edition A Clockwork Orange?'

'I remembered you saying how some of your fondest memories were of your father reading it to you whenever your mother was away for the night. I still don't think it was a good idea for him to start readin it to you when you were 6 but I'm not one to judge. Look in the envelope.' Serena was rather proud of this additional touch. After everything she had done for her since New Years Bernie deserved so much more than she was willing to accept but Serena knew this would be unrefusable. She grinned as Bernie topped the content of the envelope into her hand and gaped at the gift.

'Oh my god. Serena how?'

Aunt Sinead is rather wonderful. She found those pictures of the two of you in her attic and posted them over as soon as I contacted her. I believe she took the ones where your Dad is reading to you in bed but your Grandpa Horace took the ones of you watching the film on vhs.'

'Serena this is too much. It's too wonderful. I'll never be able to pay you back for this. It's the best gift anyone has ever given to me. Thank you Serena.'

'My pleasure darling but there's nothing to make up for. I love you and I'll forever be in your debt for all you did for me after Ellie died. You were a very cute kid I have to say, aunt sinead promised to show me more next time I'm in Blighty.'

'Happy Anniversary Serena.'

'Happy Anniversary darling.'


	6. As An Apology

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was all ready to post this an hour ago but then Some Mothers Do 'Ave Em came on and priorities 'ya get me' (Wolfe:2016)

'I love you. I love you so much Bernie. Your love does make me feel better I promise you.' Serena couldn't believe the words she'd near shouted at Bernie. How had it only been a few hours since their encounter in the bathroom? How had she gone from an out of control monster to a scared and drunk woman curled up on the roof with the woman she loved, planning a sabbatical?

'I know that darling. I won't lie to you and say it didn't hurt when you said that, that I didn't believe it for a while, but then I remembered that you're not yourself today.'

'I don't think I'll ever be myself again.'

'Poor choice of words, I apologise. What I meant is that you are not the you you are in this new reality. I know it feels like you're on a runaway train and you don't know who you are anymore but I do. You're the woman I love. You're kind, and funny, and intelligent, and sexy as hell, you're patient and wise, and completely wonderful. I adore you.'  
Bernie tilted her head to press a hard kiss to her girlfriends cheek, trying almost to force the truth into Serena's skin. She didn't know how she would survive without Serena by her side every day but she knew it had to happen if there was to ever be a chance for them to have a happy future together.

'I adore you too.'

  
'Days like today are simply a blip. You will always be sad that Ellie is gone, you will always be angry that she was taken from you so early in her life but in time it'll hurt less. I assume. I hope. I pray. I so wish I knew how to help you but what you're going through is so unimaginably horrible that the only way I could understand it is to lose Cam or Charlie and I can't bear to even think of it. Only you can help you, that why you need to take this sabbatical my love, why you need to do it alone. If I thought my going with you would help then I'd be there with you in a heartbeat but it wouldn't. Beaides, someone needs to keep AAU and the trauma unit afloat. I'll look after work, I'll look after our house, I'll look after Jason and Jasmine and Ric and Fletch and the fletchlings. You just look after you.' With that Serena finally allowed herself to break down and sob into Bernies shoulder, finally allowed herself to mourn for the loss of who she had been and cry for the sorrow over who she was becoming, cryfor the knowledge that very soon she was going to have to tear herself from her love and, cry for Jason who no longer wanted to live with her, for Jasmine who she'd so nearly hit. Bernie pulled her closer, Serena now half in her lap. It was awkward, deckchairs hardly being designed for such positions, but both women were too wrapped up in one another to care.

'Oh Bernie. I know you think you're terrible at romance but you're really awfully good at it. I'll miss you terribly. I so wish I could promise I'll come back to you but I don't want to lie to you. All I can say right now is I have every intention of coming home and growing old with you.'

'That's all I can ask for. Growing old with you sounds rather nice-perhaps in time I may be able to persuade you on pineapple on pizza.'

'Hmm. Just so long as you never try to get me to try the halal goat pizza you won't stop harping on about.'

The immediate future wasn't going to be easy but they would get through it. Together. Even if that meant being apart.


	7. As A Scream (NSFW)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a nsfw chapter not suited for young innocent eyes. 
> 
> I haven't written smut in over a year and even then only twice and it was hetero (any turnadette fans out there?) so apologies if this is atrocious.

'I love you! Fuck! Yes Serena, there, right there, rigugggghhhh.'

Serena grinned as she watched her wife fall apart around her fingers. The sight, paired with the feel of Bernies walls fluttering against her, a sensation she would never grow tired of, and the screams Bernie was letting rip forth was almost enough to send her over the edge herself. Serena knew she was only one touch, one protracted sexy groan from Bernie, one Eskimo kiss, away from her third orgasm of the night. She found the stimuli instead from the use of a single phrase, uttered by the woman she had dedicated the ray of her life to before their friends and family mere hours previously.

'I love you Mrs Serena Wendy Wolfe.'

And Serena was lost.


	8. Before We Jump

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What if, when Bernie burst through the doors, she hadn't found Serena drinking Shiraz in a frack chair, but had instead found the love of her life standing on the very edge of the roof?
> 
> Tw for mentions of suicide

'I love you.' Bernie stood next to the woman she loved, her hand clasping Serena's tightly as she took in the view.

'Please, Bernie, darling, get down.'

'No. If you truly believe that jumping off of this roof is the only option left to you, that you want to leave Jason, the hospital, your friends, our cats, behind then I trust you. I won't be left behind though. Serena I love you. I meant what I said earlier-I love you enough to put up with whatever you throw at me, even if that's jumping off the hospital roof with you. Where you go, I go. You jump, I jump Jack. If we lived from this moment I have no doubt I'd be down on one knee by the end of the year. You're my forever girl Serena.'

'No darling. I need to do this but you don't. You still have your children.' Serena finally turned, carefully, to face her partner. She loved Bernie so much and the thought of such a beautiful person dead on the ground was abominable. Why couldn't Bernie just accept that she needed to get off the roof and as far away from the monster she'd become.

'Charlotte only came to Christmas because Marcus was working and she wanted money, Cam moved to the other side of the country to get away from me and wasn't even planning to tell me he'd gone. He's only phoned me once since he left even though I try to contact him most days. With you gone, and the attempt at a reconciliation with the kids coming too late, and Jason moving out, I have nothing to live for either. I don't want you to jump Serena, I don't want you to die but if you do I'll be right there beside you every step of the way.'

'I-I don't know what to do. I want to jump but I don't want to hurt you.' Serena's eyes were wider than Bernie had ever seen them, a myriad of conflicted emotions flittering through them like a runaway train on at a fork in the track.

'Then don't jump. There's always time to change your mind back afterward.'

'Help me.' Serena collapsed sidewards into Bernie's arms. Her cold facade cracking as Bernie reiterated her love and relief over and over into her ear until the sobs settled down.

They stood there silent for several minutes before moving to step down. So wrapped up in each other's presence, they didn't notice the pigeon beginning to take flight. It squarked at the sudden obstacle moving into its path and flew close to their faces. Jumping back, the couple frowned, they bloody hated birds.

Neither realised just how close to the edge they still were, and the next, _last_ , thing either knew they were flying themselves, together forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.


	9. Not Said To Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im sorry for yesterdays. I hope this makes up for it. 
> 
>  
> 
> I had three different ideas for this one so instead of picking one I just did all three. Enjoy x
> 
> Shout out to my girl Laura aka Starraya

I love you Alex. I'll always love you, but I'm not in love with you. I'm not sure I ever was to be honest. I was in love with the concept of you, I was in love with the idea of being in love, I was in love with the fact you were a woman. If I'd never met Serena I may have thought what you and I had was love but it's nothing compared to what I feel for her. She's my soulmate, the love of my life. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you this before, I'm sorry it had to come to you hinting me down but pretty much from the moment you left me on Keller my life has been hectic. Only now is life starting to return to normal. Serena and I, mainly Serena, have been through some shit in the last year and it's only made us stronger. I love her so much Alex. I'm sorry, I know that isn't what you wanted to hear.'

'No. It isn't what I wanted to hear but it's what I expected to be honest. If you had truly loved me as much as you thought we did when we were in out happy little bubble then you would have called me much sooner, you would have fought to salvage what was little of us was left. I was in love with you, properly in love with you, but I stopped grieving for our relationship a long time ago. A part of me hoped that when I phoned you everything would fall back into place but I knew it wouldn't. I'm happy for you Bern, truly I am. I'd like it if we could try and get our friendship back though. Besides everything else we were, you were my best friend out there and I miss you. I understand if seeing me would be too hard, a reminder of all that's gone before but at least think about it?'

'I'd like that. I've missed my friend too. I'll have to ask Serena and the kids though. She trusts me, knows that I would never cheat on my  _her_ but it could still make her uncomfortable and I couldn't live with myself if I caused more pain for her. She knows I'm meeting with you today and had no problem with it but that was a one off so I'm not sure about a prolonged contact. The kids have only just fully forgiven me for cheating on their father but I don't think they'd appreciate me welcoming you back into the fold.'

'I get that. You seem happy Bernie, happier than I've ever seen you, than I ever made you. If I ever get the pleasure of meeting Serena I'd like to thank her for it.'

'One day. So tell me what you've been up to.'

 

\----------

 

'I love you. I love you more than I ever could have dreamed off on those lonely nights in the desert. You are the love of my life. I would die for you in a heartbeat. What is yours is mine forever more.'

'Uh Bernie?'

'Yes love?'

'Are my ears stating to fail me or did you just declare your undying love to our new dog?'

'Yes.'

'Yes to the ears or yes to the dog?'

'Yes.'

'You're ridiculous. You do know that right?'

'Yes.'

\------

 

'I love you. You are safe, you are loved, and you are wise.'

'Isn't she just the most beautiful baby you've ever seen.'

'Our beautiful, perfect, granddaughter.' Bernie had wanted to be a grandmother since she was a child, her relationship with her own Nan was still one of the most precious Bernie had ever had. She missed the fierce Welsh dragon every day and her deepest regret was that she had been in Afghanistan when Nana Wolfe had passed away. As a result she would do anything to have a large part in her own granddaughters life.

She'd long been prepared for the day Cameron would turn up on her doorstep announcing he'd gotten some girl pregnant-God knows she loved her son to the end of the world and back but he wasn't great at keeping a relationship going. She'd held real hope for him and Morven but the uncharacteristic actions of the young woman had put paid to any possibility of her carrying Bernies grandchild.

She'd not expected Charlotte to be the one turning up pregnant by a fling that had ended badly. Abandoned by her baby's father and disowned by her own, Charlotte had moved in with Bernie and Serena. Jason had considered moving back in now however the prospect of living with 4 females, as discovered at Charlottes 12 week scan, had proved too daunting and he'd remained at Alan's.

At 8 and a half months Charlotte had burst into AAU in hysterics where her waters had broken. Cameron, now returned to his rightful ward and still friends with Morven, had began to panic too whilst Bernie burst into tears of joy. Serena had been the only one to keep her head.

By the end of the day Adelia Mabel Wolfe was born.

'You look good with a baby in your arms.' Serena smiled as she slipped her arms around her partner. Peering over Bernie's shoulder at the tiny face cradled in her arms Serena felt a surge of love she hadn't expected. Charlotte had assured her that she would be just as much Addie's grandmother as Bernie was but Serena had been certain she wouldn't love her grandkid as instantly as she would have if Elinor had been the mother. Barely 18 months since the death of her daughter she had expected to feel sad at the occasion, reminded that she would never have a biological grandkid. But Serena couldn't possibly love that tiny face more than she did. Both her and Bernie had been there holding Charlotte's hands throughout her labour and the minute she'd heard the shrill cry of the baby Serena had fallen.

'Imagine if we'd had one of these together.'

'Poor kid would be drinking and smoking before it was 5.'

'Ha! How are you doing?'

'I'm very happy thank you. The time for sadness will come soon but right now I'm falling head over heels in love with our granddaughter.'

'Our granddaughter. Sounds rather marvellous doesn't it.'

'It does.' Bernie finally tore her eyes from the babe in her arms and turned to her fellow grandmother.

'I think it's time she met you properly.' Carefully they excited the age old manoeuvre and soon Adelia was in Serena's arms.

'Hi Addie. I'm your Nan and I already love you so much. I cannot wait to see you grow up, you may not be of my blood but you are my family. I promise you I will tell you all about your Auntie Elinor one day and make sure you know just how much she would have loved you. She's in heaven right now and she's looking out for you I just know it. Consider her your guardian angel if you will. Your Nana and Uncle Cameron are going to be terrible influences on you so I guess it's up to me to keep you on the straight and narrow. That doesn't mean I'm not going to be the fun Nan, far from it. You're going to live with us for a while, I don't know how long but you will always have a home with us.' She brushed a kiss across Adelia's forehead, taking in a deep lungful of baby smell. 'Thank you Bernie. Thank you for giving me a granddaughter.'

'I love you.'

'I love you too.'

'Bernie-will you marry me?'

'She's your granddaughter either way darling.'

'I know. Marry me.'

'Okay.


	10. As A Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay hands up this is not my best work ever but I wanted to get something up before I fell asleep. Mea Culpa.

'I love you Mrs Wolfe.' Serena wrapped her arms tightly around Bernie, unwilling to waste a single moment of the rapidly decreasing time they had left together.

'I love you too _Also_ Mrs Wolfe. The next four months will go by faster than you realise. Before you know it I'll be back from Sudan having said a proper goodbye to the army and you'll have finished the harvest and have a personal lifetime supply of Shiraz. We'll go home to Holby and work out what to do from there. I refuse to work on hip replacements but I'll find something I promise and you can return to reign over our ward once more. It's going to be okay darling - the last few months we've spent together here in France have proven to me once and for all that we are meant to be together.'

'I should bloody hope you do after marrying me yesterday.'

'AAU won't know what's hit them. Shit, that's my train. Baby don't cry- I'll call you 5 times a day, 10, 50 if I have to. You're going to get sick of me calling you.'

'Never. I'm going to miss you so much.'

'Me too. I really have to go or I'm going to miss the train.'

'Phone when you get there?'

'Of course.' Bernie pecked Serena's lips, once, twice, a third time then dashed through the nearest carriage door, not looking back until she found a seat. She threw her bag down and pressed her face up against the glass as the train began to move. Not wanting her last glances of her wife to be of Serena sad, she mimed over dramatically sobbing, rewarded with a wide grin and a hearty laugh she could feel in her bones.

God she loved her wife.


	11. In Awe, The First Time You Realised It

'I love you!' Bernie near spat out her wine in shock at Serena's sudden declaration- given as she turned to face her wide eyed. Silence fell over the table as it's occupants stared dumbshock at the two woman. 'Oh my god. Bernie I love you!'

'Uhhh.'

'I only just realised. The reason I was so jittery after you kissed me wasn't because I was uncomfortable, it's because I loved you and I didn't know it yet. Bernie I'm in love with you. I was just sitting here, watching you, and it suddenly hit me, everything felt right. Everything in the world makes sense if I love you. Does that make sense? I don't want to keep things confined to theatre, I don't want to toast to our undeniable sexual chemistry but say no more about it.'

'Right. Okay. Can we-can we talk outside? Where there aren't as many nosey ears around?'

'Okay.' They filed out, silent, Bernie racing on ahead. With a final glance to their stunned friends, she offered up a tentative smile and pushed through the doors. She found herself alone. She spun around, attempting to seek out the flash of blonde that she now knew she loved. 'Bernie? Bernie are you there? Please be there.' Her heart sank to her feet.

'Over here.' Serena followed the voice down a side alley to find Bernie positively draped against the wall in her usual gracefully awkward way.

'Bernie I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-'

'Shush.' Bernie stalked forwards, her eyes aflame in the half light. 'I love you too. I just didn't want to do this in front of all that lot.' She leant forwards and kissed Serena sweetly, arms sneaking around her waist to pull her closer.m, seeing the kiss as Serena's hands moved up to tangle in her hair. They pulled back, breaths heavy, and grinned. 'Come on you-home. I think we have a lot to talk about.'

They walked off, hand in hand, in search of a taxi.

Four faces, peering around tbe outer doors of Albies, watched them go, identical grins marking their faces.


	12. In A Letter

I love you. I think that's the first thing I should say to you. The second thing is that I'm sorry, I'm so unbelievably sorry of leaving you as I did. I didn't want to make a spectacle on the ward-that's why I left the office. I never expected you to follow me. Not that I'm blaming you of course, this entire debacle is all my fault. My failures.

 

I'm a coward, Serena. You offered me everything I want and the fear of you taking it away if you changed your mind was so visceral that I shut down. Because that is what you are to me Serena-everything I want. I am so in love with you.

 

I sit here, in this dank, emotionless, characterless, grey box of a flat, and I can do nothing but long for you to be here in my arms, in my life, brightening the room and filling it with your laughter. I know you like your colourful shirts but the only thing that brings colour into my life is your smile. Cliché or what? But it's true. My greatest accomplishment, kids aside, is occasionally being the cause of that smile. Everything is grey without it.  I hope you're smiling right now. I hope the gossip mill hasn't worn you down.

 

I miss you more than I've ever missed anyone but I cannot get past the fact you said kissing me made you wish you were dead. I had so much hope for us after we kissed on the theatre floor but seeing how you were the next day- well, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. When you suddenly decided you wanted to be with me after our second kiss - god I can't believe I've been so lucky to kiss you twice- I started to hope again but then you hinted that you loved me and the pain came crashing back down over me. You went from 0-60 in no time at all and if I stayed, with the pressure of my impending departure gone, I couldn't survive you going back to 0 again. I'm not strong enough. I needed to give you the time to change your mind before it got too serious, needed to give myself the time to accept that someone as perfect as you might actually like me.

 

If you still feel as you did when we kissed then please contact me at the email or address listed above. I lost my mobile so the number below is my new one. If you don't feel that way anymore, or you don't want me to contact you again let me know that too. Please.

 

I love you, Serena,

 

Bernie


	13. A Whisper In The Ear

'I love you.' Serena whispered, leaning across to rest her chin on Bernies shoulder, a wide grin splitting her face as she felt her girlfriend tense beneath her.

'Serena stop.' Bernie untangled herself from her partners seemingly many hands. 'You were the one who wanted to keep this relationship under wraps. This is hardly keeping to that.'

'Maybe I've changed my mind.'

' _Maybe_ you're incredibly drunk. Darling, I love you, and nothing would make me prouder than letting the world know that I've got the most beautiful girlfriend in the entire world, but I don't want you to regret it in the morning. I know how much you value your privacy and I've already subjected you to it once. I won't do that again unless I know you won't change your mind.'

'I won't change my mind. I could never regret you. Have you _MET_ you? You're amazing? Gorgeous and funny and smart and really good with your hands. You're every lesbians dream.'

'Please Serena. If you let me take you home, and you promise not to say a word whilst we leave then I promise we can talk about this in the morning.'

'But Berrrr-' Bernie inwardly smirked, she was so going to tease Serena in the morning, she loved it when Serena tried the puppy dog look, partially die to the fact that when drunk it just made Serena look constipated.

'But nothing. Come on, up we get.' She tugged Serena up off the sofa, holding the swaying woman steady, before turning to the rest of the group who appeared, thankfully, not to have noticed anything out of the ordinary occurring. 'I'm going to call a taxi for Little Miss Drunky here and make sure she gets home in one piece. I'll see you all on Friday.'

'Bye.' The assembled mass watched as, just before they disappeared from view, Serena's hand slipped to cup Bernie's ass, causing the blonde woman to jump.

'They do know we know right? Right?! Even if Jason hadn't told us weeks ago I've never seen two people so besotted.'

'I think it's sweet that they're keeping it on the down low. They both deserve to be happy.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so I know this is rather similar to 'over a beer bottle' but to quote Bruce Hornstein - That's The Way It Is. 
> 
> Feel free to consider this a spiritual prequel to that one. Note I actually only said I wouldn't write SEquels. It's always nice when you accidentally leave yourself a loophole.


	14. Over Your Shoulder

**_'I Love You Serena._**  Well, that explains the wincing at least.'

Bernie had only been back half an hour and already Serena had her cornered and topless in their office. An invitation had landed on their desk, last week, for a talk held by a former colleague of Bernie's in Kent- they'd both agreed it sounded fascinating but AAU couldn't afford to spare both its leads and so Bernie had gone with the promise to take detailed notes. Since the invitations arrival, however, the event had rapidly turned into a boozy reunion of the former Berkshire Rifles who were also attending, with the talk a side note to events.

Which is how Bernie had found herself in her current predicament.

'Uh-surprise?'

'You're bloody right it's a surprise- really darling, a tattoo?'

'I think you have Matty to blame for that, or possibly Charles, Mabel was the one who started doing shots and it was Noah who persuaded us to go the club in the first place. Really I think you can blame all of them.'

'Just them? Not you?'

'Well obviously, as the one who's madly in love with you, I am at least partially to blame.'

'Obviously. Oh, what am I going to do with you Berenice?'

'I don't know, but would it help my prospects if I did this?' Bernie pulled her best kicked puppy look.'

'It might just do. Bernie, you do know I can't let you operate with a fresh tattoo don't you?'

'I do. I've sent off my bloods for testing already and Ahmed is trying to find the parlour to make sure it's legitimate- he's the only one who can even vaguely remember anything from around that time.'

'You know you're ridiculous right?'

'Yep. I'd better go and grab the patient files- ah admin days, my favourite.'

'One more thing Bernie.'

'Yes?'

'I love you too.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just assuming you can't operate with a fresh tattoo from an unknown location.


	15. With A Shuddering Gasp

'I love you.' Serena choked into Bernie's jumper. 'I don't think, no I know, that I could survive this without you.'

'You would but you'll never have to.' Bernie pulled back to look her heartbroken partner in the eye. She looked Serena over, took in the haunted look in her eyes, the dark circles under her eyes from the hours she'd spent sobbing into Bernie instead of sleeping. She reckoned she herself didn't look much better through exhaustion and worrying. 'Serena you are so strong-where do you think Ellie got it from? Certainly not from Edward. We are going to go into that church and listen to everyone tell you how much they loved your daughter. This won't be easy, it'll be the hardest thing you'll ever do, but I will be holding your hand the whole time. Okay? You don't have to speak to anyone if you don't want to, we can skip the wake of you want to but you'll regret it if you don't go in. Edwards going to need you and you need him.'

'How can she be dead? How can I be burying my daughter today?' Serena voice was quiet, barely there, still hoarse from the screaming fit she'd had last night when Bernie had attempted to persuade her to attempt an early night.

'Because life is shit Serena. Shit things happens and this is the shittiest shit of them all. I know I didn't know Ellie very well but I know how much you two loved each other, she'd want you to go in. Do this one last thing for her?'

'Low blow love.'

'Sorry. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.'

'I can do this.'

'Yes you can.'

'Hug?'

'Always.' They stood there in each other's arms until the chill reached their bones, barely noticing their shivers until Jasmine coughed from the church door, her eyes skyward to avoid intruding on such a private moment. Bernie nodded at her, watched as the girl smiled slightly at their embrace before returning back inside.

'I don't want to do this.'

'I know. I love you. Come on.'


	16. When I Am Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After talking to Starraya about it I decided to upload less frequently and not rush through these as I felt the quality was dipping and the number of reviews reflected this. Add to this a minor depressive episode and busyness at work and it's been a few days since my last upload. 
> 
> I'm sorry for this chapter

‘I Love You.’  
  
You think I can’t hear you but I can. I know I’m dead, my skin is cold, the haggard breathing that signalled my final moments now a silence heavier than that awful throw you bought at the flea market on our honeymoon.  
  
I think I’m a ghost.  
  
I don’t feel like a ghost. What do ghosts feel like?

  
I’m glad, for your sake, that the cancer got me quickly – we both nursed parents through long illnesses and I never wanted that for you. To think, after all the secondments and sabbaticals, it was my pancreas that finally separated us for good.  
  
You’re crying now. I hate making you cry. Now that I’m dead I can finally admit to you that you’re an ugly crier. I’m sorry but it’s true. You’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. It hurts to see you cry but at the same time I can't feel anything. It's strange.

Can you feel me hand on your shoulder? Can you sense I'm here with you? I hope you can.

I don't know how long I'm going to be here-is this where I'll stay forever or will I pass onto the afterlife from here? I must admit I like the idea of staying with you until you can join me but I'm also anxious to see all the loved ones I've lost. Don't rush to join me, take as long as is necessary. Please darling, don't do anything stupid.

Oh.

I blinked and now we're at my funeral. This is the weirdest thing I've ever seen. You look gorgeous, I've never seen Jason, Cam or Charlie look so smart-is that a tear I see in Jac Naylors eye? Probably just a trick of the light.

You look so sad. Everyone does. I'm not sure if I'm heartbroken or touched.

I blinked again and now you're burying me. I hate this, I hate that I've done this to you all.

I like the quote you put on my headstone-it's very me. You chose well. You always knew me better than anyone else. I am so proud to be your wife.

  
You and the kids are alone now, the boys flanking you, Charlie wrapped up in your arms.

I'm glad the four of you have each other. I can move on knowing that you're all going to be okay.

Please my love, do not mourn me for too long. Live the rest of your life for the best of us. Tell our future grandchildren about me, tell them their Nana loves them very much.

Everything fading now, you're blurring into nothing. I think this is it. I'm scared.

Goodbye my darling.

Until we meet again.

I love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can decide for yourselves who is speaking. I made sure to leave it open. 
> 
> I'm curious who everyone thinks is the one who died.


	17. From Very Far Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is longer than the rest, that's why it took so much longer to go up. Yep definitely that reason. Not because I'm hopeless. At all. Yep.

**_I Love You._ **

 

One text. Three words.

 

It didn't seem enough to encapsulate the joy Serena brought to her life, the way her chest grew tight when their eyes used to meet across the ward, the sense of peace that came over her whenever Serena's name flashed up on her phone. She missed her dreadfully- 4 months since Serena had left on her sabbatical and Bernie still awoke expecting to find her partner curled into her snoring gently-even if Serena swore blind she did no such thing. How quickly she had gotten used to waking to a snuffle or an errant arm flung across her chest.

 

Her phone beeped. She smiled at the selfie Serena had sent her-she looked good, really good. A selfish part of her hated that Serena could get better without her, hated that Serena could be happy and build herself up whilst Bernie was miserable and falling apart. Did that make her a bad person? Probably? Did she care? No. She only cared about being with Serena.

 

She'd never missed anyone as much as she missed her partner. How had she gone from a 'big strong army medic' to a mopping woman in such a short amount of time?

 

'Bern? You alright?' Fletch sank onto the bar stool next to her, gesturing to the barman for another round for the table he'd appeared from.

 

'I'm fine.'

 

'Look, we’re worried about you- ever since Serena left you've been getting quieter and quiet. You put on a good show but I know you, I can see the army mask you put up.' Bernie studied him, weighing up the possibility of finally sharing what was on her chest with one of the few people who truly knew her lover well.

 

'Honestly? I miss her Fletch. I miss her so much and I'm terrified she'll come back and not need me anymore or she'll never come back at all. I'm not sure which is worse. I'm a mess- she doesn't need me around reminding her of the reason her daughter is dead.'

 

'Elinor’s death was not your fault.'

 

'Except it is. They were fighting because of me, I'm the reason her Mum was having a 'bizarre midlife crisis' as she so artfully put it. I'm the reason Elinor was angry at Serena, she'd never have stormed off if I hadn't picked up her article to read. She never would have been in the hospital if Serena hadn't been making up for the awkwardness of the joint family Christmas. We've spoken about it and I truly believe her when she says she doesn't blame me but I will always blame myself.'

 

'Oh Bern.'

 

'Don't. Don't give me any of that sympathetic 'poor Bernie' shtick.  Just be grateful that I’m opening up. In all likelihood it won’t happen again.’

 

‘I am. It means a lot that you trust me enough to tell me this.’

 

‘Good. Because all sappiness aside I’m really rather fond of you. One day I’ll tell you just how indebted I am to you.’ Her eyes flickered, unbidden, to his abdomen. When she closed her eyes she could still remember the feel of her hands buried deep within it.

 

‘You’re not too bad yourself Major. Come on-join us? We’ve found a booth so it’ll only be a few of us. I promise I won’t make you stay too long.’ She studied him a moment before nodding sharply.

 

‘Go on then. I could do with a distraction.’ She followed him over to the corner where Ric, Donna, Morven, and Raf were gathered.

 

‘You took your sweet time mate. We were beginning to think you’d drank our round and legged it.’

 

‘I probably could leg it after a round of the weak piss some of you drink but I was actually persuading little miss grumpy here to join us.’

 

‘And I don’t drink weak piss so it didn’t take too long. Shuffle up. What are we discussing?’

 

‘Donna was asking Mr Griffin if he really punched Mr Hanssen in the face. Mr Griffin is pleading the fifth.’

 

‘He did and it was hilarious. Poor Henrik got it right in the nose.’

 

‘You were there? Tell me everything!’

 

‘Bernie-‘

 

‘Well it all started when this man came in with a broken penis on his birthday-‘

  

* * *

 

Almost two hours later they all stumbled out, barely managing to keep one another upright, cackling as Fletch went flying straight into door frame as he exited.

 

‘Careful Fletch!’ Bernie guffawed. ‘Alright team who wants to call the taxis? Morv you can stay with me because you left stuff at my place last time Cam crashed at the house whilst I was visiting my darling love.’

 

‘How is she?’

 

‘She’s good. She’s really good. I’m so proud of her for how she’s doing. I’m going to marry her one day you know. At least I hope so. If she’ll have me. I really love Serena. Isn’t she just the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen? I remember the first time I saw her-she was shouting down the phone at a mechanic and I was thinking whoa, hot damn lady you’re gorgeous-like soak my panties ho-.’

 

‘OKAY! That’s enough from you Griselda.’ Raf surfed forwards, covering Bernie’s mouth with his hand, bright red at the thought of his bosses like that. She scowled

 

‘Don’t call me that. I am NOT an ugly sister.’ She appeared to think hard for a moment, her brow furrowing as she stared into the distance. ‘I’m not any kind of sister. I wish I had siblings, I mean I had a sister in law for 25 years but she was a bitch  who hated me and she never had kids so I didn’t get to have any nieces or nephews which is the best part of having a sibling. Not until Jason. You know-I love Jason, I really do-do you think he loves me? I thought he did, I was sure he did, but I’m not so sure anymore. I try and I try to find things for us to do together now that he’s moved out. I told him I can work around his schedule or come to Alan’s to watch World’s Strongest Man with him but he always says no.’

 

‘Uhhh.’

 

‘I think he only tolerated me because of Serena-honestly he’s breaking my heart. Morven you're the basically same age as them-what is it that makes me so repulsive to your generation? Cameron, Charlie, Jason, they all hate me. I mean I'm not so naive to believe I didn't ruin my kids childhoods by being away from them-they've made that abundantly clear, many times. There are literal legal documents stating as such. Jason though, dear sweet Jason, I thought liked me.' She slumped down the wall, her knees tucked up under her chin, her arms wrapped around them as a few stray tears escaped down her face.

 

'Bern-'

 

'My mother always told me I made everyone around me miserable but I never truly believed it until now. I made Serena miserable when I was in Kyiv and almost as soon as I came back Ellie died. She left me and now she's getting better.'

 

'Bullshit!' Bernie's head flew up at the unexpected, heart achingly familiar, voice.

 

'Seri-what the fuck' A throaty chuckle emitted from the phone Fletch held before her.

 

'Language darling.'

 

'You swore first!'

 

‘So I did but mine was justified because you were talking bullshit. Sweetheart you make people the furthest thing from miserable. Cam and Charlie were sad when you were away but it made the times you were back even more special- remember all those holidays you told me about, remember those days the three of you would just drive off into the countryside on a mystery tour. Both of them, separately mind you, told me at Christmas about the trip to Devon before your first tour in Afghanistan.  I was miserable when you were in Kyiv but happier than I've ever been when you came back and we officially got together. When I'm with you I feel complete, being here without you is horrible. I miss you so much and I love you more than I ever thought it possible . More than you can begin to imagine. What's the phrase-absence makes the heart grow fonder? Well it's true, I've never loved you more than I do right now. You let me go and find myself, even though it wasn't easy for either for us. As for Jason- well I never really understand what he's doing but I'm sure he's pulling away from you for some noble reason or another. It’ll make perfect sense when he explains it I’m sure-he won’t be doing it to hurt you I promise. I'll talk to him. Please darling, please believe that me that you are the light of my life, the only reason I survived the worst months imaginable. I love you so much.' Bernie stared at the phone, silent for a moment, tears now streaming down her face, before grabbing it and pressing it to her ear, careful to turn off the loudspeaker-she’d made that mistake too many times before.

 

'It's so hard, I miss you so much. I hate that we're apart. I hate that you seem to be happy whenever we talk whilst I'm falling apart without you and I hate myself for thinking it. I'm thrilled that you're seeking help, you look so much healthier and I'm filled to the very centre of my bones with pride for how well you're doing. But I can't stand that you're fine without me.'

 

'I'm not. I loathe myself for leaving you and it's torture waking up every morning and not seeking your face, pillow creased and drooling, staring back at me. I've been selfish to-'

 

‘No! You’re not selfish Seri-I’m the selfish one!’ Bernie’s tears have way to shock. ‘You lost your daughter and I’m mourning a relationship we still have.’

 

‘Your feelings are equally valid my darling, and I mourn for our relationship as well as for Ellie. I’ve lost her forever and I have to deal with that but I don’t want to lose you too. I can’t lose you too. Before I left I could only hope you would be a part of my future but now I know you will be. So long as you still want that?’

 

‘I want to marry you one day.’ Bernie smiled at the hitched breath that was the response to her declaration. They’d never come close to discussing such heavy matters, had only been together a few months and had only moved in together just before New Year’s. With everything that had happened since then Bernie had had no idea where her partner stood on the topic. She guessed she was about to find out.

 

‘I want that too, one day. Not just yet though.  I’m not ready to come back to Holby but I’m ready to come home, or at least I’m ready for my home to come to me.’

 

‘Serena?’

 

‘I’m going to speak with Henrik, make him give you some time off. You’ve been holding everything together for me over there and you deserve a break. Besides, didn’t you say there was a new locus consultant? Between Ric and her I’m sure they can mind AAU for you. Come? Be with me?’

 

‘Okay.’ Bernie barely managed to croak out through the lump in her throat. ‘I love you. Are you sure?’

 

‘Never been so sure of anything in my life. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again. The nights have been so lonely without you and the days even worse. Are you going to be okay now? I’ll call Henrik and Jason, you should talk to your kids. I think you’d benefit from telling them how you feel. I know you don’t find it easy to open up but you’ll feel better for it I promise.’

 

‘I’ll think about it.’

 

‘That’s all I can ask of you. Before I do any of that however, I’m going to need you to pass the phone back to Fletch or someone there so I can make sure you make it home in one piece. I’ll speak to you tomorrow?’

 

‘Okay. I love you so much Serena.’

 

‘I love you too my love. Bye.’

 

‘Bye.’ Bernie held up the phone for one of the group to take. When no one immediately removed it she turned , confused. A surge of affection swelled in her chest as she saw them huddled a short way from her, leaving her privacy even though she had one of their phones and could barely hold herself upright.

 

She cleared her throat, easier now that the tears had subsided. Fletch stride across, Morven hot on his heels, and took the phone back. Bernie smiled as Morven wrapped her arms around her shoulder.

 

‘You okay Bernie?’

 

‘Yeah. Sorry, I’m not normally like this, you might have noticed.’

 

‘Hey. We’re all allowed a breakdown from time to time-even former army medics. We’re a family on AAU and that means we support each other when we’re down. You’ve had a terrible year and no one could blame you if it overwhelmed you. It’s what makes us human. I’m going to take you up on your kind offer to crash at yours tonight, Serena would never forgive me if you choke to death on your own vomit.’ They shared a chuckle.

 

‘Thank you?’

 

‘Cam wouldn’t be too impressed either. He loves you so much- you should hear him talk about you, he’s so proud to be your son. When we crashed at yours he found the photo albums you keep in the study. We were there hours with him just reminiscing and telling me tales. I now know a whole lot more about you than I ever thought I would. He’ll kill me for saying this but he actually cried because he knew how much he and Charlie hurt you during and after the divorce. I don’t know the details of what went down and it’s not my place to pry but I know he regrets some statement he wrote.’

 

‘Really? He hasn’t said anything to me.’

 

‘He’s a man, they’re famously bad at expressing emotions.’

 

‘It’s more that he’s half me than a male thing. Yet another way I managed to fuck him up.’

 

‘Bullshit, to steal a turn of phrase from your girlfriend. You’re better than you think. Cam is a fine young man and I can see so much of you in him.’

 

‘Really?’

 

‘Yes.’

 

‘Thank you.’

 

‘Taxis are here. Morv you gonna be okay getting Little Miss Drunky here?’

 

‘We’ll be fine.

 

‘I’m not an errant toddler you can’t take your eyes off of you know.’

 

‘We know. Come on, up you get.’ Raf and Fletch pulled her off the ground, steadying her as she found her balance.

 

‘Morven.’ Bernie turned serious, her brow furrowed as she focused on the woman before her.

 

‘Yes Bernie?’

 

‘I’m so glad you’re dating Cam. I couldn’t ask for a better woman for my baby boy. Tomorrow I’m taking you out for lunch, no arguments.’

 

‘I look forward to it.’

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ever noticed how so many of my fics involve Albies? I love that place.


	18. Broken, As You Clutch The Sleeve Of My Jacket And Beg Me Not To Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during THAT scene from Life in The Freezer.
> 
> There may be another update soon, there may not. Honestly I'm just a human disaster (although one of these one-shots became over 7k and took a determinedly smutty turn so hopefully I'll manage to finish editing it sometime soon.

‘I love you.’ Serena’s arms shot out to grab at Bernie’s sleeve, forcing the woman to spin and face her, a conflicted look upon her ashen face. 

The ward fell silent at her declaration, all eyes now fixed on the pair of them. Raf was the only one not shocked by what was unfolding before him, his suspicions having been founded over weeks of longing looks and confirmed earlier that day by the kiss he’d witnessed. He hadn’t wanted to intrude as the women had gotten closer and closer before finally coming together in what seemed a very passionate kiss and so had waited, eyes averted, until it was finished and when the women had started talking he had finally interrupted them. He would be lying if he wasn’t eager to see what happened next from this new act but he knew how private his friends were and so managed to corral the staff back to work whilst the two of them continued to stare each other down.

Serena flashed him a smile as the last nurse finally turned her attention back to her charting. He grinned and gave her a thumbs up. She couldn’t help but laugh at his actions, moving now to take Bernie's hand and lead her back into their office to continue their chat. 

Bernie continued to stare at her wide eyes, her mouth moving silently in a dozen unstated sentences.

'Bernie? Say something? Please.' Serena’s confidence plummeted. She had been so sure that once Bernie knew how she really felt everything would instantly fall into place and they could return to the kissing she’d spent all day dreaming about. She hadn’t expected the tears that now welled in Bernie’s eyes, threatening to cascade down her cheek.

'I don't - I'm so so Serena. I pushed you to say something you don't mean in front of our leiblings. I know how much you value your privacy and now I’ve ruined it all. God, why am I ruining our friendship like this. I’m rubbish. Bloody libido.’

'What makes you think i didn't mean it?’ Serena took a tentative step forward, careful not to spook Bernie into running again. ‘That I felt forced to say it? That I haven’t been thinking it for days?’ Another step ‘That I hadn’t planned a date for us last night so I could finally work up the courage to tell you? That I didn’t wake up this morning, cursing myself for getting so nervous that I got incredibly drunk and knew you’d never believe me if I told you how I felt so I kept my mouth shut? That i-‘

'Why would you love me?’ Serena stopped her rant mid sentence-her breath catching in her throat at the broken tone that Bernie had mumbled those words into her hands, now rubbing almost violently at her face, with. Serena took a final step forward and carefully prised Bernie’s hands away from their actions, letting them fall back down unheeded, knowing how Bernie would not want to be restrained by her twice in such a short time. 

‘Bernie-‘

‘I'm a mess Serena and you deserve so much better than me. Fucking hell I’m running away to Ukraine because the thought of making you wish you were dead makes me sick to my stomach and I’m too much of a coward to risk it even if it didn’t come out how you intended. I want to believe you I really do. You are everything to me Serena, the only constant in my life. I’ve known you for so little time yet I know Ayou are the most important person I’ve ever met and I also know that I’m going to mess this up if you give me the chance. I already am. I go into self-destruct mode to prevent that and I manage to fuck up and hurt you anyway when all I want to do is take you in my arms, kiss you, and tell you I’ve fallen head over heels in love with you but I just can’t bring myself to do it and I hate myself even more and I fuck it up even worse 

‘You just did.’

‘Huh?’ Bernie halted her pacing midstep. 

‘You just told me.’ Serena couldn’t help the grin that split her face as the words sank over her, it rapidly turning to laughter at the stunned face that crossed her best friends face. She thought Jason would be proud of her as she mentally likened Bernie’s expression to that of Ham Solo after finding out the truth about Luke and Leia. After several long moments of spluttering, Bernie finally managed to string together a coherent sentence. 

‘Oh. Yes. I suppose I did. Thoughts?’


	19. In A Blissful Sigh As You Fall Asleep

In a blissful sigh as you fall asleep

‘Love you.’ Bernie sighed as she burrowed into her girlfriends shoulder, falling asleep immediately with the ease of 30 years practice. Serena, however, was instantly wide awake at her words, words she never thought she’d ever actually hear from Bernie. It wasn’t that she thought Bernie DIDN’T love her, far from it, Bernie showed her love every day in a thousand different ways. Whether it was a cup of coffee and a pastry left on her desk, a foot rub in the privacy of their office after a long operation, or gifts of flowers and chocolates for no reason more than Serena had made a brilliant diagnosis or looked particularly beautiful that day, Serena knew Bernie loved her. 

But the blonde had never said the words out loud. 

She’d come close a few times, ‘I more than like you’ being one of her personal favourites.

She wondered if Bernie even knew she’d spoken aloud, she knew she wouldn’t have purposefully said the words immediately before falling asleep-even Bernie wasn’t that cowardly. No, it was definitely a subconscious declaration. Which meant it was more than just empty words designed to placate her girlfriend, Bernie truly did love her and the thought thrilled her to her core. 

Would Bernie run for the hills if she mentioned it tomorrow or would she be able to have a mature conversation about? Best case scenario they'd have a mindblowing shag to celebrate.

She grinned as Bernie snuffled and snuggled further into her embrace. Never, not even in her wildest dreams whilst Bernie was in Kyiv or the fevered dreams following their theatre floor kiss, had Serena imagined Bernie would be so... cute, dare she say adorable? For a big macho army medic she sure was cuddly. She remembered the first evening after Bernie returned, when both of them knew they had to rein in the urge to throw each other against the wall and scream the night away. They'd been awkward at first, neither sure how to bridge the gap between best friends and more than liking each other. Surprisingly, it had been Bernie who'd made the first move, sliding across the chasm separating them on the settee to wrap her arms around Serena’s left, clinging to her like a koala, her head laying gently on her shoulder as she stretched to place a series of kisses along Serena's chin. They’d spent the rest of the night curled up together talking, eventually spending the night tangled up in her bed, fully clothed, simply enjoying the others presence. In private they were extremely tactile but in public Bernie was still reserved, a rare kiss in Albies on special occasions - the most recent being only last night as midnight struck and 2017 begun.

It seemed absurd to her that only last year, last Christmas/new year, she had been so alone and this year she'd been able to spend it with the love of her life, her incredible nephew, her beautiful (albeit grumpy) daughter, and Bernie’s children-both lovely young adults she looked forwards to getting to know further. She sniggered quietly as she recalled the look of shock on Charlotte's face, Cam's not much less despite seeing them at work, as their mother had settled into Serena’s lap and cuddled up against her. Her heart had broken for her partner in that moment- how could someone so privately demonstrative have been in such an affectionless marriage? She’d known from her talks with Bernie after the affair had come to light that it hadn't been a touchy feely relationship in private, but for your own children surprised to see you happy? Heartbreaking.

 

She couldnt wait for 2017 to play out, couldn't wait to work day in/day out with the love of her life by her side, couldn't wait for long operations together followed by being able to go home together and curl up under their duvet. 

She wasn’t naive enough to think 2017 would be without its struggles but with Elinor finally beginning to make peace with her new relationship it was really looking up. Whatever life threw at them they could face it as a family of 6. 

And she knew they’d make it. 

Because Bernie loved her.


	20. Too Quick, Mumbled Into Your Scarf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written before Serena returned but I forgot to post it so you can go ahead and consider it AU.
> 
> Happy Valentines Day everyone

'I love you, oh God Bernie I love you. I’ve missed you so much.’

'I’ve missed you too but it’s over now, we can stay together. You’re home now.’

* * *

 

Three months. Three long, lonely, months since they'd been in each other’s arms and it seemed fitting that their reunion should take place in the bar they’d fallen in love in. It had been tough since Serena had elected to stay- Bernie hadn’t been able to hide her disappointment at the decision and, though her heart truly broke for her friend, she couldn’t help but resent the fact that her partner had abandoned her for the man who had held so little regard for her career that he’d offered hip replacements in lieu of her trauma unit.

Finally the pair of them were stable, were physically together, and Serena had chosen the place that broke her over the woman who loved her. It had hurt.

She’d doubted Serena’s love for a moment, instantly hating herself got being so selfish. But the ring had burned in her pocket as she stood abandoned in the airport- Serena’s decision being so 11th hour that Bernie had already set off for the airport and unable to pick up the voicemail asking her to call her until she was already there.

It had probably been petty of her to hang up on Serena as she had, childish even when, in a pique of heartbreak, she’d thrown her phone to the floor and smashed it, but it had been cathartic. She dared not think what the poor taxi driver had thought about the crying woman clutching a broken phone in the back of his cab. By the time she’d gotten back to the refugee camp, alone and red-faced, greeted by an excited group of their new friends expecting a newly engaged couple to get out, her anger had turned to sadness. It was over a week before they spoke again-not all due to the broken phone.

She still facetimed Jason of course, their nephew was an innocent in this and she missed him just as much as she did her biological children. He was thrilled to have Serena back but apparently she'd been rather distressed not to hear from her partner and as such he'd felt honour bound to fix them. It had been that that had prompted her to get a new phone and call Serena.  
  
Sera had been furious until Bernie finally explained how she felt, why she'd acted like such a petulant child. A simple miscommunication had been discovered- the voicemail Serena had left for Bernie the day before Serena was due to leave Holby- explaining that she was seriously considering staying in Holby, perhaps not permanently but at least until Henrik returned, and how she loved Bernie so desperately much and it was tearing her in two deciding between her family in Holby and the woman she wanted to be in the arms of - had instead been left on the phone of Betty Hill who had lived next door to Alan and Jason and never checked her mobile.  
  
Bernie had felt foolish- of course Serena wouldn't have just left her high and dry like that, of course she would have tried to forewarn her. Serena would never be that cruel.  
  
But Serena had still left her, had still broken the one and only promise she'd made as they said goodbye in the airport before Serena's departure. She had been vehement about not wanting to return at all, had been clear that she would be in and out without getting attached. Maybe this was karma for Kyiv.  
  
Even with the truth about the voicemail out in the open there was still a barrier between them, a future they'd planned together suddenly in jeopardy. How were they supposed to set up the Nairobi Trauma hospital if they weren't even in the same continent, let alone country? She knew the people of Holby needed help but they had so many more opportunities and access to help, the children of Nairobi had far fewer. Serena had seen the same horrors she had, how was she able to walk away so easily? Somehow that was the hardest part for Bernie to accept but accept it she had and, when she thought of poor Ric in prison and now hospital, Hanssen dealing with the loss of his boy-evil or no-, and darling sweet Raf now a body in the ground, she was able to even understand how Serena could have forgotten the sights she'd seen. They had both sobbed for Raf, worried for Ollie and been impressed by the tales of the new professor's treatment of Jac.  
  
Somehow it had been easier when it had been Bernie in Holby and Serena in foreign climbs, perhaps because Serena had been grieving so there had been a necessity for them to be apart, or perhaps it was because she'd had Charlotte and Jason living with her, or just because now they knew what it was like to spend considerable time together happy.  
  
She had struggled. It hadn't taken long for her to decide to return, she knew big picture it was probably selfish to choose her heart over injured children but she'd done enough for the world and she had new passions, new priorities. It was time to put herself first.  
  
As soon as she decided to come home they'd begun to make plans.

And now she was back. She’d told Serena her flight would land tomorrow - a ploy designed between her and the newly released Ric to give them the most time off on Serena’s day off.

She’d stood outside go Albie’s peering through the window, watching as the woman she loved her court at the bar, how could she be angry as Serena when she looked so happy. This was Serena’s home, her place in the world, and she’d said her other home was with Bernie. But those homes shouldn’t have to be separate, no longer did Serena had to feel conflicted. She didn’t care where in the world they were, her home was wherever Serena was and if that meant a lifetime of hip replacement surgeries then so be it.

She’d strode thought the doors, grinning as Fletch tripped over a chair in shock at seeing her. She raised a finger to her lips, silencing anyone about to proclaim her presence and ruin the surprise. She crept silently across the floor until she was stood right behind Serena, leaning forwards she slid her arms around her hepartners waist and kissed her neck.

Serena jumped and span around, a sharp rebuke on her tongue that dissipated as she saw the grinning face of the woman she loved.

‘Bernie?’ She surged forwards and wrapped her arms around her, clutching her partner against her. She burrowed into her neck, lips pressed against Bernie’s pulse, the scarf she’d bought Bernie in a Parisian pop-up boutique absorbing the few rebellious tears that burst forth. ‘I love you, oh God Bernie I love you. I’ve missed you so much.’

'I’ve missed you too my love but it’s over now, we can stay together. I'm home now.’ Serena lifted her mouth from Bernie’s neck to capture Bernie’s lips in hers, her hands sliding up to cradle her face, Bernie’s own hands carding through her hair as they deepened the kiss. Wolf whistles filled the room but both women ignored them, content with their current focus.

‘I thought you weren’t back util tomorrow?’

‘Surprise? A pleasant one I hope?’

‘The absolute best surprise I ever received. God you’re beautiful.’

‘I love you Serena. My home is with you and I’ll follow where you lead. We are strong enough to survive apart but I don’t us to be. I want us to be side by side no matter if it’s here, France, Kenya, or the back end of beyond and moreover I want to do it as your wife.’

‘What?’ Albie’s fell silent as Bernie lowered herself down on one knee, every eye on the pair in the centre of the room. Serena gasped, a wide grin splitting her face in two

‘Serena, from the moment we met you’ve fascinated me. I remember the first time I saw you, you were shouting down your phone at your mechanic-you took my breath away. i knew right then that you were someone special, someone I wanted to get to know better. I never could have imagined you would be the love of my life, that I would fall so helplessly head over heels in love with you but I thank the universe every day that I did. You are the strongest, wisest, funniest, smartest, most beautiful woman I’ve ever met and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Serena Wendy McKinnie Campbell, I would be honoured be your wife- will you marry me?’

The famous phrase was barely out of Bernie’s mouth before Serena was tugging her off the ground and into a passionate kiss. No-one needed to hear a verbal answer, Serena’s answer was clear to all. The bar erupted in cheers that were lost to the women, so wrapped up in each other that a marching band staffed entirely by elephants could have passed by without them noticing.

‘What a stupid question.’ Serena mumbled against Bernie's lips once they’d finally needed to come up for air. ‘Of course I’ll marry you.’

‘Oh good. That kiss was rather ambiguous and you never said anything.’ Bernie teased, earning herself a light pinch to her upper arm. ‘Now then, is that any way to treat your fiancee?’

‘Fiancee eh? I like the sound of that.’

‘Me too but I can’t wait to call you my wife.'


	21. On a sunny Tuesday afternoon, the late sunlight glowing in your hair & When we lay together on the fresh spring grass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been 84 years.
> 
> Okay so it's technically cheating as it's two prompts in one.

'I love you. ' Serena jumped, the words unexpected, the speaker even more so.  She shook her head free of the cobwebs within, listening out for any sign that Bernie was truly there and her lonely, pining mind wasn't over imagining again. Too many times she had thought she felt a familiar presence behind her, had thought she heard Bernie's voice in a crowd - hell even just earlier today whilst taking Guinevere for a walk around the nature park they were still in she'd thought she had heard Bernie's rather distinctive laugh only to be faced by a decidedly smug looking goose. So many times she had reunited with Bernie only to discover it had been an elaborate dream and wake with tears on her face and her hand down her knickers. She REALLY hoped that was not the case or she'd surely be arrested for public indecency. She reached out a hand, thankfully safely located on her bag where she had left it - she'd done nothing more than doze - behind her and felt a decidedly solid knee. She slid her hand further up, fingers stretching around a firm, familiar thigh. A brush across her grip loosened it so long fingers could entwine with hers.

 

'Bernie? ' She hardly dared verbalise her hope, voice cracking in silent prayer.

 

'Hello darling. '

 

'Bernie! What are you doing here? ' Serena turned over, speechless as she took in the vision knelt next her. Though it had only been a month since she'd last seen Bernie in person - very 'in' person in fact - she'd forgotten just how beautiful the love of her life was. With the sun behind her, Bernie's hair was like a golden halo, the skinny jeans almost sinful in comparison, a wide smile illuminating her face. She threw herself into her girlfriend's open arm,  help the tears that leaked out onto Bernie's shoulder.

 

Minutes passed, Bernie making soothing noises as she ran her fingers through Serena's - much blonder than she remembered - hair. Eventually they pulled back and settled back on their knees, hands cradling each others face. 

 

'Surprise?'

 

'Surprise indeed - What are you doing here? Not that I'm not thrilled to see you of course.'

 

'Thought I'd visit my the three favourite girls. ' She gestured at Charlotte playing several metres away with Gwen on the swings, the younger girl. Screaming happily on her Aunt's lap as they swayed gently. They watched as Charlotte slowed to rain down raspberries on Gwen's cheek . 'I can't believe how big she's gotten, or how beautiful.'

 

'Are you talking about your daughter or our grandniece? Because yes to both.'

 

'Gwen though I also cannot believe my beautiful little baby girl is so grown up. Seriously I swear she was 3 yesterday and running circles around Marcus & I. Do you remember about 15 years ago there was that kid who got stuck up the tree by the statue in town? That was Charlotte, she managed to climb the statue and leap into tree but not back.' Bernie laughed as she recalled her daughter's exuberant response to being rescued by the firemen. Marcus had slept on the sofa for several nights after letting his eye off the ball with their precious daughter.

 

'Like mother like daughter - didn't you say you got stuck in a tree when you were a kid? '

 

'Yes, until I fell out and broke my arm. '

 

'Ah yes, that was it. How long are you here for?'

 

'How does eternity sound? ' Bernie grinned as Serena's jaw dropped. Making the most of her girlfriend's predicament she leant forward and kissed her lower lip, then her upper lip, then her nose, both cheeks, and her lips once more.

 

'Bernie? What do you mean eternity?' Serena finally stuttered out as they settled back down in the grass. Bernie lay back on the ground and pulled Serena down to rest her head on her shoulder, their fingers tangling together.

 

'I mean from today until the day we die.'

 

'…but the trauma centre?'

 

'I quit as soon as I got back after Gwen was born. They needed to find another co-lead anyway so what was one more? I agreed to work the beginning few months to get them settled but as soon as that was over I was straight back. Only problem is I've sold my house - do you know anywhere I can stay? I suppose I could always try that hotel I booked after you broke up with me. Just until I can get my own place. '

 

'Don't you dare even think about living anywhere but with me . Are you sure about this? I told you I'd go to Nairobi in a year or so. You didn't have to do this - that was your dream job.'

 

'But it's just a job. You, our jumble of kids, and our beautiful great niece are my family, my life. Trauma jobs are everywhere, my world is here.'

 

'I love you so much Bernie.'

 

'I love you too. They craned their necks to share a tender kiss, hands slipping up to tangle in each others hair.

 

'Mum?!'

 

'Lottie! ' Bernie leapt off the ground with an ease Serena could only wish for, her knees hadn't worked that well since the  90's when she'd had to literally had o carry Edward from the pub on more than one occasion. Charlotte barely had time to pass Gwen to  Serena before she was tackled in a bear hug. 'Oh God I've missed you darling, I'm so sorry I couldn’t pop by and see you last time I was here but there was so much to do selling the house then Gwen came along and Serena broke up with me and then we got back together and I had to kill Fleur and…'

 

'It's alright Mum, I was in Liverpool that week anyway. Had I had any advance warning… Besides  I am under no illusions what the two of you were up to.' She waggled her eyebrows, gaining a playful slap to the shoulder for her trouble.

 

'Charlotte!'

 

'What? We're all adults here - well, most of us are. Some of us are just precious. ' Charlotte cooed at her pseudo niece, leaning put of her Mum's arms to rub noses with the girl in question.

 

'No you are still my little girl and I refuse to believe otherwise. '

 

'Fair enough, she's only 8 months old but Gwen is growing up far too fast for my liking and she's just my niece.'

 

'Speaking of - can I have a cuddle with Miss Guinevere? '

 

'Let's see do you want to have a cuddle with Auntie Bernie?' Gwen scrunched up her face before blowing a raspberry and clapping. ' I think that's a yes don't you?'   Serena dropped a kiss into her Great Niece's dark hair and handed her to a beaming Bernie. Bernie cradled Guinevere close to her chest,  bouncing gently on the spot as she let out a cry of indignation at being passed to another set of arms. She settled quickly, peering up at the the face with the familiar voice. She stared, her gaze almost unnerving in its intensity, before deciding she was safe and reaching out to bat Bernie in the face, screaming happily as her Great Aunt caught the hand and kissed it.

 

'Hello beautiful, oh haven't you gotten big my darling? Yes you have, oh yes you have. You may not remember me but I'm your Auntie Bernie & I met you the day you were born. I know I haven't been around these past few months but I'm here to stay now and we're going to have so much fun together!'

 

'You're back? Permanently? Seriously? Like for real?' Charlotte tried to hide the hope in her voice, she'd stopped believing her Mum would come home and stay when she was 13. Were she petty she may be put out that that Cameron and and her weren't a good enough reason to stay but her new family was. Thankfully she wasn't petty. Mostly. Only a little. Okay so she should probably have a long talk with mother but not now, not today. Today was a day to enjoy.

 

'For real. I'm home darling -'

 

'Yes!' Charlotte threw her arms around her Mum again. Being almost a foot taller than her mother it was easy for her to pick her up and spin her around.

 

'Oof! Lottie put me down!'

 

'Never ever.'

 

'Your Auntie Charlotte is a weird one isn't she Gwen,' Serena liberated the tot from her girlfriend chuckling 'Your Aunt Bernie is even worse.'

 

'Lotti stop... Can't breathe... want Gwen back... love her more than you…much much cuter…'

 

'Geez alright, meanie. Seriously though Mum, I'm glad you're back for good. I know we haven't been that close these past few years and we're  both to blame for that but I'd really like us to get back to now we used to be.'

 

'I'd like that too.'

 

'I love you Mum!'

 

'I love you too. My beautiful, amazing girl. I don't know what I'd have done if you never forgave me and I lost you forever. Oh Serena sorry I - '.

 

'Berenice Wolfe don't you dare apologise for loving your child. I am not going to fall apart, especially not over Charlotte who is my own incredible stepdaughter  and a great person.'

 

'Sorry.'

 

'Charlotte are you going to attack her again or am I safe to give your mother Gwen again.'

 

'Gwen away, ' Charlotte waved her hand dismissively, the aloof persona ruined by the adoring glance she sent at the baby.

 

'Shall we sit again?' Bernie winced as she sunk to the ground. 'Oof that's not as easy as it was before I was attacked 3 minutes ago.'

 

'Oh hush Mother.' They settled into a content silence, watching as Bernie helped Guinevere stand on her thighs and bounce up and down. The look of stubborn determination on her face as she pulled herself up on Bernie ' s fingers was identical to Jason ' s. She quickly grew disinterested in standing, instead finding joy in throwing herself down with a thump before pulling herself up and flumping down again. 'Adorable, all we need is Morv + Greta and we've got our own family girl gang going here.'

 

'Uh oh. ' They all turned and gaped at Gwen, now trying to eat her own foot.

 

'Did she just-'

 

'She can't have - she's far too young.'

 

'Uh oh!'

 

'Amazing! Our girl gang has a genius!' Charlotte cried out, clapping excitedly.

 

'Watch out Holby.'


End file.
